i think my mom watched the whole time
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My dick has a subreddit
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
