That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Randomize
