i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
