She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
