Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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