worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
