if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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