i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
