All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
