i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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