i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His hands were made for my vagina.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
