New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
