Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
