I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
