how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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