I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
