his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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