I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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