my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My breasts were aching with rage.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
