hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
