theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
