Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
