I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
