I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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