Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
