It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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