His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
