i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
