there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
