I just saw a hot homeless man
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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