I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize