I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The uberlube is also flammable
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
