If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Randomize
