And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think your dad took our porno
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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