that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
