I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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