Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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