i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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