The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
