You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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