i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
