Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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