It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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