I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
