Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
