K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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