My underwear smells like fireworks.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
