he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm really busy with my period
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