Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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