She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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