He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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