i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
