i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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