I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
