i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
