You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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