yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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