I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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