her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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