yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
