No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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