i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Found your dick twin last night
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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