Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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